Bête noire
by seshatnedjset
Summary: Gibbs has to face his worst nightmares
1. Chapter 1

Tony looked over his shoulder, his face blank, the mischievous sparkle gone from his eyes. The hands grasping the railing let go and Tony fell away, silently, even as Gibbs rushed forward, hands clutching at the air where his agent, his friend, had been.

Too late.

Gibbs couldn't bring himself to look down, would not see Tony's body lying broken on the ground below. How could he not have realised Tony was feeling like this? Why didn't he notice the signs?

Tony was gone, fallen into the darkness without so much as a goodbye. Too many times when he could have, should have said something, done something, had passed by, lost in the job, the cases, the exhaustion of the day, his own inability to express himself.

And now it was too late.


	2. Chapter 2

Gibbs woke with a start, his heart racing. Just a dream, god it had just been a dream. It felt so real though. He glanced at the clock, 4am. Might as well get up and head to work - no way he was getting back to sleep now.

Sitting at his desk, he looked up every time the elevator doors pinged open. The relief he felt when Tony walked in was hard not to show, but he kept his face blank, even as he watched Tony walk across, sling his backpack down, and flop into his seat. He was alive. He looked ok. Gibbs replied to Tony's "Morning Boss" with his usual terse "DiNozzo", and went back to his work, taking surreptitious glances at his agent throughout the day, checking he was ok, happy, not about to throw himself off a balcony. He seemed fine, the usual mix of working hard, while looking like he wasn't, and teasing McGee and Ziva. Though he glanced up at Gibbs repeatedly throughout the day - had probably noticed Gibbs watching him. He always was observant. But when it was time to go he left with a cheery "Goodnight Boss", and Gibbs finally let himself relax.


	3. Chapter 3

Gibbs yawned and glanced at the clock. Nearly midnight - time to head for home. He turned off his computer, grabbed his bag, and headed for the elevator. He paused as he passed Tony's desk, noticing an envelope lying on the unusually clear surface. An envelope with his name on. He picked it up, a frown growing, and opened it while he waited for the elevator doors to open. The letter inside was short. Only two words - 'Sorry Boss'. He sighed, he'd have to have a chat with Tony tomorrow, explain a few things to him, why he'd been watching him so closely. Though maybe not the whole reason.

The elevator doors opened onto the parking level, and Gibbs stepped out, his hand going to his gun as some instinct told him something was wrong. He scanned the half-empty space, trying to pinpoint what was amiss, his eyes suddenly flicking back to a car which shouldn't be there. A mustang. Tony's mustang. Parked in its usual spot. With the engine running. He ran towards the car, a feeling like ice in his gut as he realised he couldn't see in through the car windows. The interior was filled with smoke. He pulled his tshirt up over his mouth as he pulled open the drivers' side door, so as not to choke on the thick fumes. Putting his hand out, unable to see as his eyes were watering with the smoke, not crying, not crying, he grabbed hold of the sleeve he felt, pulling the heavy, dead weight of his senior field agent out of the smoke filled car. Pulled him away from the area, before gently laying him onto the ground. Before looking at him. Before seeing his friend dead on the ground. Tony. How long had he been sitting in the car like that. While Gibbs was sitting upstairs at his desk. Oblivious. How had he missed this. Tony's voice echoed round his head suddenly - 'Sorry boss', joined by his own voice and other familiar words - too late. He was too late.


	4. Chapter 4

Gibbs opened his eyes, realised he'd been dreaming again. He was still sitting at his desk, the clock telling him it was only half eleven. He shook his head, and looked over at Tony's desk. It was its usual clutter, no letter lying there. He switched off his computer, grabbed his bag and headed for the elevator. The doors opened onto the parking level, and Gibbs scanned the half-empty space - Tony's car was gone. He let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding, and headed for his own car, and home.


	5. Chapter 5

The door finally gave way under his boot, and he rushed into the apartment. The living room was clear, the kitchen empty, the bedroom too, and he paused momentarily outside the bathroom door. He tried the handle, almost surprised that it opened at his touch, not locked. He walked in, and fell to his knees, not noticing the pain as his knees hit the cold hard tiles. Tony lay in the bath, half submerged in obscenely red water, the wounds in his arms clearly visible snaking up from his wrists, his veins emptied of blood. Older, healed scars crisscrossed his arms. His eyes were closed, his skin grey and cold as the water. Gibbs wanted to be sick. Wanted to have never seen this. Wanted to have been here hours earlier, wanted to have stopped it. He was too late.


	6. Chapter 6

Gibbs moaned in his sleep, turning over as his mind dragged him into yet another dream.

Blood welled over the blade as it dragged across the skin of his throat. Then suddenly a bright red spurt arced out, followed by more, as Tony slumped to the floor. Gibbs grabbed a cloth, and ran forward, holding it to his agent's neck, trying to stop the blood, but there was nothing he could do. The towel was saturated, the tiled floor slick, his hands coated. The knife glinted up from the kitchen floor, and Gibbs wanted to throw it as far away as he could, but his hands were full of his dying friend. Their eyes met, as Tony's life ebbed away - apology and pleading in one set, shock and sorrow in the other. Tony's lips mouthed the word sorry, and Gibbs felt his world crack as the last of the light in the hazel/green eyes died. Why hadn't he come straight over? Why had he put it off, waited until it was too late. He'd known something was wrong. Why hadn't he stopped Tony from leaving the office, gone with him, helped him, talked to him, stopped him. Why had it taken him so long to get here. Why was he too late.


	7. Chapter 7

Gibbs walked into the office, running his hand through his hair. He was tired, he'd not had much sleep the past couple of nights - all those dreams about Tony dying at his own hand. He was slightly surprised to see Tony already in the office, working. Some part of him vaguely surprised Tony was alive. He'd watched him die four times now. "Tony" he said by way of greeting, realising his mistake as he was greeted in turn by a look of brief confusion, and a "Morning Boss". He only called him Tony when something was wrong. He sat at his desk, switched on the computer, and tried to distract himself with work. Ziva came in a few minutes later, and started teasing Tony about something. Gibbs was relieved when they got a case, a missing marine had turned up dead in a car downtown. "McGee, get the truck, DiNozzo, Ziva, grab your stuff" he barked out. He'd nearly ordered Tony to get the truck, but the memory of walking into the garage to find him dead in a gas-filled car stopped him - it may have been a dream, but it was still vividly imprinted on his mind. He would walk into the garage with Tony. Actually, he was starting to feel a definite reluctance to let the man out of his sight at all.

The case kept them busy all day - the marine had been shot in the head, Ducky had the body, Abby had everything else, and the rest of them were tracing all the information they could about the man. Everyone was working hard, but Gibbs was finding it difficult to concentrate. He kept looking over at Tony, checking he was there, alive. He could tell that Tony had noticed, and that he was uncomfortable with the attention. But he just couldn't help himself.

"Alright everyone, that's enough for today. Pack it up, I'll see you bright and early tomorrow. And I mean early, DiNozzo." Gibbs tried to inject his normal self into his words, but his heart wasn't in it. He didn't want to be gruff with Tony, was scared in case he did or said something to push him over the edge - even though he kept telling himself he was sure Tony wasn't suicidal, a small part of him didn't want to take the risk. He suddenly felt Tony's eyes on him, and looked up to meet his agent's gaze. "Boss, have I done something wrong?" his words shocking Gibbs "No, Tony, you've not done anything wrong." He didn't know what to say. Half wanted to tell him about the dreams. "Then why have you been watching me all day boss? And yesterday? I mean, I know I'm easy on the eyes, but…" he left the sentence hanging, meaning Gibbs had to say something. "I'm sorry, Tony" he said, breaking one of his own rules. "It's not anything to do with you, I promise." Tony narrowed his eyes at him, but thankfully just shrugged, and turned to go. "Ok, Boss, but you let me know if you wanna tell me what the problem is." he called back over his shoulder. Gibbs sighed, and grabbed his bag, deciding to look out Ducky - maybe his old friend would have some words of wisdom for him.


	8. Chapter 8

Gibbs walked into the living room, spotting Tony sitting on the sofa, the tv muted, a black and white film playing silently to the room. Tony sat in wordless grief, a familiar pain Gibbs remembered entirely too well. Walking further into the room he could see the gun held in his friend's hand, and he felt an icy grip on his heart. "Tony" he called softly, but there was no response. As he reached the sofa, he stopped, suddenly afraid to look, afraid he would be too late again, that Tony was sitting there dead. "Boss" the quiet voice shocked him out of his fear. "What are you doing, Tony?" "Nothing" came the equally quiet response. "Nothing?" Gibbs repeated questioningly. "Nothing, Boss. Just sitting. Waiting for you. You know this is all your fault, don't you. You're the one making me do this." Tony looked up at his boss, tears in his eyes. "Why couldn't you save me?" he asked, bringing the gun up to his temple. "No! Tony, don't" Gibbs shouted lunging forward for the weapon even as Tony pulled the trigger. A smattering of warm liquid hit Gibbs in the face, and a part of his brain thought "this is what it was like for Tony when Kate died", even as the rest of him was cradling the body of his senior field agent, sobbing for his failure to save him.

Gibbs woke up, tangled in his sheets. Ducky's advice of an early night, no alcohol and a glass of warm milk had not done the trick. Maybe he should have been more forthcoming with his friend - admitted what the nightmares were actually about. This one was worse - though in each of the previous dreams he'd blamed himself for Tony's suicides, now the blame was also coming from Tony. Maybe he should talk to Tony. Maybe if he heard Tony say that he was fine, that he wasn't about to kill himself, then that would help break him out of this cycle of morbid dreams. Decision made he got dressed and headed over to Tony's apartment.


	9. Chapter 9

There was no answer when Gibbs knocked on the door. He glanced at his watch - it was 4am. Tony was probably fast asleep. Or he was over at some girl's place. But Gibbs needed to see him. He found the key Tony had given him – he made sure to have a key for each member of his team - and opened the door. The flat was in darkness, and he bumped into a table when he reached the living room. The noise failed to bring anyone running, and Gibbs' anxiety notched up a level. He made his way to the bedroom, the door was open, and Tony was lying on the bed, curled up into a fetal position, his back to the doorway, and to Gibbs. He was breathing - Gibbs could see the movement and just stood and watched for a while, before moving further into the room, wanting to see his agent's face. There was a pill bottle lying on its side on the bedside table, the lid lying on the floor, and Gibbs paused to pick it up. It was empty. He peered at the label in the gloom, but was unable to make out the words - he walked over to the window, and held it up to the light filtering in through the gap in the curtains. Temazapam, sleeping pills. An empty bottle of sleeping pills. Gibbs' heart rate shot up, and he pulled the curtains open, rushing over to the bed. He grabbed hold of Tony's shoulders and shook him, calling his name. After what seemed an age Tony's eyes opened and Gibbs felt a shot of relief. "Tony, are you with me?" he asked urgently. "Wha? Yeah Boss, what is it?" Tony blinked, looking at his boss in confusion. "Gibbs? What are you doing here?" He frowned. "Has something happened?" Gibbs sank down to sit on the bed, feeling drained. "I thought… I saw the pill bottle, and I…" he paused, not knowing how to explain himself. "You thought I'd overdosed?" Tony looked at him incredulously. "Boss, I took one pill - the last one, that's all. I've been having trouble sleeping recently." He shook his head, and Gibbs felt his own head start to swim. "Boss, what are you doing here? Is something wrong - has something happened?"

Gibbs didn't know what to say. He looked at Tony, and saw concern etched in the younger man's face, and knew he was going to have to explain himself. "Nothing's wrong Tony. I just, I needed to check you were ok." "Why were you worried about me? Why would you think I would try and kill myself?" Tony clearly didn't understand, and Gibbs took a deep breath, and let it out in a long sigh. "A couple of nights ago I had a dream. You killed yourself - jumped off a balcony while I watched." Tony frowned, but didn't interrupt. "I was unnerved by it – it seemed so real. I spent that whole day at work watching you, making sure you were ok, alive, not about to go leaping off any buildings." Tony nodded, a glimmer of understanding appearing in his eyes. "After you left, I fell asleep at my desk, and had another dream - that you'd gassed yourself in your car in the parking garage. Then later that night after I got home I dreamt" he paused, closing his eyes as the vivid image of Tony in the red bathwater popped into his head. "I dreamt you had cut your wrists open in the bath. And then I dreamt that you slit your own throat. And then just now I dreamt you shot yourself in the head." Gibbs drew a deep breath. "I just had to see you, I had to see for myself that you were alive. So I came here, and you didn't answer the door. I let myself in, and I watched you sleeping. And then I saw the pill bottle, and I guess I panicked." Gibbs fell silent, exhausted at having spilled so much of himself out, at admitting to someone how he felt.

Tony sat, clearly stunned at the revelations. "At least now I know why you were watching me so closely at work" he said quietly. "Gibbs, I'm ok. I'm not planning on knocking myself off." Gibbs nodded, then looked up at his friend. "Why were you taking sleeping pills?" he frowned. "I told you, I've been having trouble sleeping." Tony became more defensive. "Ok, Gibbs, I've been a bit depressed lately, not been sleeping too well. But I'm not about to kill myself."

Gibbs looked him in the eye. "You tried to once Tony."


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N Apologies for the huge delay – had a slight change of mind as to where I wanted to go with it, then had writer's block. Thanks for the reviews – always gratefully received._

Gibbs felt a stab of guilt at the look of shock in Tony's eyes. "That was a long time ago Gibbs." Tony's voice was tight, he was clearly trying to keep his emotions under control. "I wasn't aware anyone at NCIS knew about it." "Only me, Tony. I've never told anyone else." Gibbs tried to look Tony in the eyes, but his agent was staring at the sheets.

"I was 16 Gibbs. I don't know now how serious I even was about it. I've changed a lot since then." He looked up suddenly. "I thought my father had covered it up well enough. How in the hell did you find out?" Gibbs shrugged "It's what I do Tony. I like to know everything I can about the people who work for me." Tony nodded, though Gibbs didn't know if he was acknowledging his statement, or deciding something to himself.

"Fine, I tried to kill myself once when I was a teenager. Look - I can't tell you I've never thought about it since. I can't promise you I'll never try it again. But I can promise you I've not thought about it in years. My life isn't perfect right now, it never has been, but I'm fine. Really. You don't need to worry about me."

Gibbs shook his head. "You can't expect me not to worry, Tony. Will you promise me one more thing – that if things ever do get that bad, you'll talk to me?"

Tony stared at his boss, understanding at that moment how much the older man cared – even though he rarely showed it – and how much he cared for Gibbs. He nodded his head "I promise, boss, I'll talk to you." Gibbs felt a weight lift from his mind, and smiled at Tony. "Then I guess I'd better let you get back to sleep – I expect you at work on time tomorrow." Tony laughed "On it boss."

Gibbs let himself out of Tony's apartment feeling much better than when he had gone in. Tony was ok, his dreams were just that – dreams. He trusted Tony's word that he would talk to him if he needed to. Gibbs smiled as he headed home in search of some much needed uninterrupted sleep.


End file.
